Citing pressure from Congressman Todd Akin and several conservative Christian groups, Lionsgate Films has agreed to remake the award-winning movie, Precious to more accurately reflect the realities of “legitimate rape.”
In the reboot titled, Precious: It Takes Two, Baby! Gabourey Sidibe will again play a 14 year-old who is raped by her father. But in the new version, Precious discovers she’s pregnant, and therefore concludes the sex must have been consensual.
The movie will end with Precious and the illegitimate rapist moving in together and opening a Quiznos.
“I’ve spent weeks researching the inner-workings of the female reproductive system and it’s reaction to so-called rape,” said Congressman Akin in a statement applauding Lionsgate. “It’s high time Hollywood took notice.”
When pressed on the veracity of his research, Akin said, “It’s science, Bing it!”
Several other studios have already planned to follow suit. Films expected to get the Akin treatment include The Accused, Last Exit to Brooklyn, and Monster.
The 1968 classic, Rosemary’s Baby, will be altered so that Mia Farrow’s character realizes the devil was just being a little rough that night, and she was partially to blame. She and Satan will go on to raise their child together in Missouri, where he’ll eventually become congressman.
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