Shakira Doctors Fear Pregnancy & Shaken Baby Syndrome

Fans were thrilled by news of Shakira‘s pregnancy this week. Doctors, however, are scrambling to prepare for the worst case of shaken baby syndrome in recorded history.

One pediatrician explained the severity of the situation: “This baby would stand a better chance in a paint mixer set on high.” Hospital staff are already perplexed by ultrasound pictures. “It looks like a bunch of motion blurs,” one nurse said.

Despite pleas from family and friends to limit her wild dancing during this critical period, Shakira says it’s not that simple.

“I wants what’s best for my baby, “but my hips have a mind of their own. The rhythm got them long ago. They have no ‘off’ button, and gyrate wherever, whenever they feel like it.”

In other news, the happy couple has settled on a rather typical celebrity name for their baby: Martini rather than the reported one Ulicito.

Editor’s Note: Now if anyone is taking this story seriously, it’s in our Satire section for a reason. We’ve teamed up with HollywoodLeek.com to bring your some of the funniest satire stories that should definitely get your smiling. So whenever you see the logo above at the bottom of any article or story, you’ll know to expect something over the top and satirical from the brilliant minds over at The Hollywood Leek.