After a string of unsuccessful movies, and really, just an abject disregard for good taste, a team of researchers at Tulane University are attempting to discover just what went wrong with John Cusak. “Initially my team was mapping and sequencing DNA as part of the human genome project, but then I saw The Raven,” said Dr. Horton Walsh. “We knew immediately some questions had to be answered. Before we could figure out why John Cusak started sucking, we have to identify when exactly did this shift occur.”
Though the study is in its infancy, Dr. Walsh and his team are cautiously optimistic due a recent finding: “We’ve actually narrowed it down to sometime between Must Love Dogs and War Inc., but we still have hours of tedious footage to sift through.” Walsh is determined, “If we can help other actors from throwing in the towel and doing movies like Martian Child, all this hard work will be worth it.” They do believe this career can be saved, but it will take some time, DNA incremental changes and combining those with Bono, who now swears he is the God Particle.
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