Why Randy Jackson Really Quit ‘American Idol’

Last week TMZ reported that Randy Jackson would not return as judge for ‘American Idol’ Season 12. Despite being the “glue that holds the show together,” he had to go as he felt his glueness was getting a little gummed up. Nigel Lythgoe was able to secure his own contract after some long negotiations so he decided to tell exactly what the Dawg’s reasons were. And it’s not that he’s getting recruited to Lythgoe’s So You Think You Can Dance either.

1. He didn’t want to live in the shadow of Nikki Minaj’s ass.

2. He got custody of Michael Jackson’s kids, and that Paris is a real handful!

3. He wanted to fully embrace drag queen persona, Handy Jandy Rackson. He’s got the hands, you just need to fill em!

4. He got tired of Ryan Seacrest eye-fucking him.

5. He accepted a lucrative offer to become Simon Cowell’s bitch.

6. He moved to remote tropical island with his one true love, William Hung. Then sadly, he found it was always ‘opposite day’ there.

7. He wanted to create clothing line called “Unnecessarily Neon.”

8. He just wasn’t feelin’ it, dawg.

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