After months of searching, Fox’s American Idol has finally narrowed down its choice for a third judge to join Randy Jackson and Mariah Carey on the panel. Here are seven candidates you might not have expected.
1. Randy Travis
With three arrests over the past six months for public intoxication, nude drunk driving, and threatening the lives of police officers, the once-pious country music star, Randy Travis is considering bottoming out his downward spiral by becoming an American Idol judge. His friends, family, and manager are all hoping he will snap out of his self-destructive behavior and focus on getting arrested for nudity, alcoholism, and violence.
2. Jesus of Nazareth
After two millennia of dragging his feet, Jesus is finally considering returning to this earthly realm as an American Idol judge. The marketing practically writes itself: “The Second Coming is coming to FOX!” However, while he has already met with network executives to discuss salary, theologians have questioned how the Son of God would reconcile the duties of the Idol job with his commandment to “Judge not, lest ye be judged.”
3. Ronald Poppo (Miami face-eating attack victim)
In May a nude, crazed Miami man captured national attention by gnawing the face off homeless man, Ronald Poppo. Now FOX hopes to channel America’s morbid fascination with the news story into America’s equally morbid fascination with American Idol. Poppo’s mangled face would also give viewers something more pleasant to watch than the musical performances.
4. Tupac Shakur’s Hologram
After his holographic reincarnation at Coachella, 2Pac (or the lighting technicians that now control him) has reportedly met with American Idol producers. The 2Pac hologram could easily be projected onto the lingering cloud of dust and mold left behind by former judge Steven Tyler. But producers are concerned 2Pac would only be a short-term hire, as it is only a matter of time before someone creates a Notorious B.I.G. hologram.
5. Mel Gibson
American Idol may be the last hope for anti-Semitic, homophobic, alcoholic, and constantly enraged woman-abuser Mel Gibson. His contract negotiations have been stalled for the moment due to Gibson’s insistence that he be allowed to refer to fellow judge Mariah Carey as “Sugar Tits.”
6. A Bowl of Oatmeal
As American Idol judges have persistently been lambasted as vapid and unlikable, it’s no secret that producers have been searching for a third judge with more charisma than Randy Jackson and Mariah Carey. Reports indicate they may have found the perfect candidate: a bowl of oatmeal. Warm, sweet, hearty, and delicious, nutritionists estimate that a bowl of oatmeal has 30% more brainpower than Jackson and Carey combined, and is also a great way to start your morning. Producers are worried, however, that Jackson will devour the bowl of oatmeal halfway through the season premiere.
With his plans to destroy Gotham City foiled by Batman, super-villain Bane is now considering joining fellow League of Shadows member Randy Jackson as an Idol judge. Although Bane has little experience in pop music (his favorite genre is jazz) he apparently has some interesting ideas regarding what to do with kicked-off contestants involving a fusion bomb.
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