AMC’s hit series Breaking Bad debut has inspired a dramatic rise in drug trafficking in suburban neighborhoods across the country, a new study shows.
The DEA, which released the study following Breaking Bad’s Season-5 premiere Sunday, reports that middle class suburban parents have embraced the show’s star, high school Chemestry teacher turned drug kingpin Walter White (Bryan Cranston), as a cult hero.
“Breaking Bad has inspired a new breed of drug dealer,” says DEA representative Jose Lopez. “These ain’t your mom and dad’s drug dealers anymore. They actually are your mom and dad.”
“Every day regular folks are cashing in their 401K’s or Junior’s college funds, shaving their heads and opening up Meth labs,” Lopez says.
Former systems analyst turned Meth kingpin, Daneil Hokkaido, who now goes by the alias “Blackrock,”says the drug trade has improved his life in countless ways.
“Forget about the staggering sums of money,” Blackrock told Hollywood Leek, “drugs have helped me become a better husband and father. I now treasure every moment with my family ’cause I know I might wake up tomorrow with my decapitated head riding on the back of a turtle just like Tortuga in Season 2. I’m finally living in the now!”
“And our sex life is off the charts.” added Blackrock’s wife/money launderer. ”There’s something very romantic about bathing in a tub full of money – the same tub we use to chop rival dealers into little pieces. We really couldn’t be happier.”
Editor’s Note: Now if anyone is taking this story seriously, it’s in our Satire section for a reason. We’ve teamed up with HollywoodLeek.com to bring your some of the funniest satire stories that should definitely get your smiling. So whenever you see a ‘NTN’ in front of a story title, you’ll know to expect something over the top and satirical from the brilliant minds over at The Hollywood Leek.